Do squirrels pity humans?

Ever see a squirrel selling nuts? How about a bird setting up a stall in a tree with a buy-one-get-one worm deal? Or a raccoon offering a meal delivery service? New specials each week!

Ok, obviously not. Unless the animal kingdom is deep into digital currencies without our knowledge, there’s no black Friday, no Labor Day Sales, no monetary exchanges of any kind for food.

Why is that? Besides the whole interspecies communication thing, it’s mostly because there’s an abundance of food in this world, as I’m reminded every November when my roof is pelted by falling acorns. Why would anyone pay for something that is one tree away?

Am I being slightly absurd? Yes, but surely you’ve seen our branding already. You’re also likely to have passed by hundreds if not thousands of lawns growing nothing but grass -- or better yet, lawns that are full of dandelion, chickweed, chives, wild blackberries, wild strawberries, plantain, and more. Despite the fact that you could walk outside and make yourself an extremely healthy salad with all of those ingredients, you are much more likely to have taken out your lawn mower, chopped it all down, and spent your hard-earned money on frozen pizza instead.

There was an interesting op-ed in the New York Times with an early contender for subheader of the year -- “Humans Are Animals. Let’s Get Over It. It’s astonishing how relentlessly Western philosophy has strained to prove we are not squirrels.” We certainly do look down upon the lowly squirrel, yet I’ve never seen a group of squirrels forced into forming a union to receive higher wages so they can put food on the table, nor have I seen a group of evil squirrels who then tried to prevent them from doing so.

Maybe we’re the ones who’ve gotten it totally backwards. Maybe the squirrels look down on us every morning, piling into our gas guzzling vehicles for a minimum of an eight hour work day, rushed, stressed, unhappy, and think, “Poor saps, when will they e